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I achieved high tops in my life, coped with my fears and uncertainty, and it took me three years, on which is not possible to put the final point, because self-development is a process, a constant movement forward. The process of development is incessant as acquiring the new knowledge and some other different aspects of life in what to stop, even for a while, means beginning of degradation. Three years is a considerable term, however I really could not say it is long or not period of life. I only know that this turned out to be the hard way to finding myself. This was the period when I understood whom I want and meant to be; the time of a struggle between my fears and complexes. Eventually I realized the necessity of constant self-development.
I was irritated by my panic fear to ask something unknown or unfamiliar person. Just the thought of making this caused perspiration, dizziness, and my heart beating increased. I was afraid to seem stupid, annoying or arrogant, and to disturb someone. I was ashamed to ask an employee of the supermarket where is satiated the department I want, and spend extra thirty minutes for searching. For the man it is usually strange; however it was some kind of barrier between me and society. I was afraid to argue with a person whose behave was impolitely or who tried to insult me, in other words I could not protect myself.
Three years ago on beautiful August day I was sitting in the park while reading a book. I am a person who like isolation, and it cannot be said that I was a good narrator or could keep a conversation. I liked the day like that was: the smell of ice-cream, children laugh all around, bird calls and smack of approaching utumn. The book, which I read, was thick, heavy, beautifully decorated with the big golden letters, however not interesting. Thus I started to consider the people passing by or sitting on the other benches or grass. Fortunately I had a vast choice: two young ladies, located on the grass; an old man, who was sitting in the front side and reading a newspaper, occasionally panting and making remarks; a little girl, who was separate from the other kids, playing some game and laughing loudly.
I started observe two young ladies, which is not surprisingly. One of them had long blond hair, which shined brightly on the sun and blinded me for a moment. The other was curly lady with big black eyes and dressed in the dress printed with daisies all over. I drew attention on the dress and daisies because of my mother; she likes these flowers very much. They were sitting on the huge red blanket and obstinately discussed some history. I did not hear the theme of their discussion, but unexpectedly I caught the look of one: black big eyes pierced me through. She said something to the blond girl and say both looked at me with the laugh. I quickly hid my eyes staring into a book. The huge feeling of shame engulfed me and I did not know what to do and how to improve my disgraceful position. I was sitting in that way for a while and then decided to get back home.
When I rose, my view caught a little girl sitting separate from the other kids. She hugged her knees and stared into the ground. The woman, who looked after children, was busy with the boy who tried to eat wet sand. I have to say that this entertainment is not very pleasant. Suddenly the other little boy approached and pushed her. In my memory immediateely arose incident from my childhood: two guys takes away my sister’s bag and I standing behind her and could not do anything to protect her. My eyes at that moment were running back and forth and something compressed my throat inside; I did not pronounce any word or sound and just kept standing behind without intervention. I still clearly remember sister’s view; she was ashamed to have such brother. From those times this throat collapse and inability to protect myself or somebody near precluded me to live full life.
Looking into the girls eyes I did not see fear, she just embarrassed and did not know how to behavior with the offender. At that moment I felt strong requirement to do something instead of standing behind. Though I move directly to the offender; the woman noticed me and also moved to the place of the incident. A little boy went away, scared of the stranger’s approach, but the woman listened me carefully and scolded little impolite boy. The little girl kept being on the same place, but now her eyes were directed to me. They were full all thanks and understanding. I crouched and pinched her by the nose saying that nobody could insult little pretty ladies. This full of warmth and calm honey smiled me back.
On the way back to home I did not felt constraint or timidity, and even my throat did not disturb me anymore. The day had the same magic charming with the birds singing and bright sunlight game on the faces of the passer-byes. I carried my book near at hand and felt that switched inside of me. Therefore, lying in my bed and trying to sleep, I closed my other and rewound the whole day. At that moment three years ago I knew that tomorrow will be a new day for me.
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